Tag Archives: cable

‘Important Information Enclosed’

No, see. It’s not important information enclosed. Not at all.

In fact, I know it’s the same offer you, as my cable “provider,” have issued to me month after month after month. Because you’re afraid the big telephone company is coming to take my TV money away.

Which is why you keep offering to “lock in” a price for two years, and you’ve been offering to “lock” this in for the past 18 months, even though it hasn’t changed in that time, because you’re afraid of me taking my TV money to … the big telephone company.

It’s cute how you keep including in this “lock in” two additional services I don’t want, ones that would actually increase my monthly blood debt to you substantially. All in the IMPORTANT INFORMATION ENCLOSED envelope that has long since lost its meaning, not to mention effectiveness.

It’s also cute that you send me the exact same form letter month after month after month, but pretend like it’s new, under the mistaken hope that one day I’ll buy it. That one day I’ll think, “Hey! They’re right! That’s some doggone important information they enclosed!”

You and your kind devalue our language with this shit, like how “URGENT! RESPOND BY DEC. 5!” no longer has any meaning. At all.

So I have IMPORTANT INFORMATION for you: I’m not actually a “valued customer,” because I will drop you at the first opportunity — so eager am I to be used by some other blood-sucking company and their equally important information.