How in the hell does the Onion nail stuff like this so well, so consistently? The language may not be safe for your work, but there’s not a semi-conscious American who wouldn’t find this hilarious. Well worth the two minutes.
I love that the inherent truths are accessorized with little Onion-esque accessories such as a bar chart tracking the yearly change in:
BEARS LOOSE IN NON-BEAR-FRIENDLY ENVIRONMENTS
Jeebus, it hurts. The Onion, of course:
Members of the earth’s earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.
It’s all good from The Onion’s “Top 10 stories of the last 4.5 billion years,” but the final two paragraphs, about Sumerian reaction to Adam and Eve, are a nice kicker:
According to the cuneiform tablets, Sumerians found God’s most puzzling act to be the creation from dust of the first two human beings.
“These two people made in his image do not know how to communicate, lack skills in both mathematics and farming, and have the intellectual capacity of an infant,” one Sumerian philosopher wrote. “They must be the creation of a complete idiot.”
*looks in mirror* Oh, I see what they did there.
At the risk of tempting Thomas Kinkade zealots out of the woodwork like some such Trans-Siberian Orchestra fan (oh, and pardon the crime of comparing the two or comparing either to Mannheim Steamroller), I’ll just say I was tickled pink to see the picture in the lower-left corner of the graphic that accompanied this story from The Onion: “Nadir of Western Civilization To Be Reached This Friday at 3:22 p.m.”
That is all.